Friday, July 22, 2005

Aw shucks

What you’re about to read are the hidden events that led up to the scrubbing of the shuttle mission. In a room with flashing little lights and 4 large screens, each one providing a visual or data on the shuttle, the mission director and his cronies prepare for the first shuttle launch in over 2 1/2 years.

The crowd grows quiet. The lights begin to be lowered. Off in the distance, a dead cricket isn't chirping.
The Mission director clears his throat.

MD: Flight control, this is the mission director, I need a go, no go for launch. Booster?
Booster: go
MD: Retro?
Retro: go
MD: ECOM?
ECOM: no go
MD: Surgeon…wait,
ECOM, was that a no go?
ECOM: That was a no go MD
MD: Shuttle crew, please stand by, we seem to have a problem with ECOM. ECOM, do you have an ID on the problem?
Guidance: Oh wow man, these blinking lights are really getting to me.
ECOM: We’re working on it. It’s starting to look like a faulty fuel sensor. Right now it’s telling us that the tank is empty
MD: ECOM, do you think it’s something that we can launch without?
ECOM: Let me back to you on that MD.
MD: Flight control, we’re experiencing an issue with a faulty ECOM sensor. Do you have…Guidance: Oh man, the chickens are really freaking me out.
Retro: Flight control, we have a problem.
Surgeon: I’ve always wanted to say that.
ECOM: MD, the sensor is now showing that we have a full tank.
MD: Ok ECOM. Does the sensor seem stable…
ECOM: The sensor is now saying that the tank is full of Jell-O.
MD: What? ECOM, please repeat that.
Shuttle crew: What did he just say?
ECOM: The sensor is saying the tank if full of Jell-O. Booster: What flavor of Jell-O?
Surgeon: Man I could go for some Jell-O.
ECOM: It looks like strawberry.
Retro: Yeah, me too. Does it have chopped up fruit in it?
Surgeon: Why would you go and ruin perfectly good Jell-O with chopped fruit in it. That’s nasty.
Guidance: Munchies!!!!!
MD: Booster. No smart-ass remarks. Health and Retro, cut the chatter. ECOM, can you tell if this is a quick fix?
ECOM: No, not at this time. Oh, now it’s saying that it’s now filled with swans.
MD: *dead cricket noise*
ECOM: It’s counting about 10,000,000 white swans.
Guidance: Fly away little swans.
Booster: Why do they have to white swans? It’s racial.
MD: Booster, the ECOM sensor is not racial.
Booster: Yes it is. It said white swans. Why couldn’t it be black swans.
Retro: Is there such a thing as a black swan?
Surgeon: Don’t start that crap again Booster.
Booster: Shut your cake hole. First it was the white man, now it’s the fuel sensor trying to bring the brother down. I bet a white man designed the thing too. It's racial.
MD: BOOSTER! It’s not racial.
ECOM: The sensor is now showing the tank filled with a part of Uranus.
MD: Uranus??
Surgeon: I am not!
Guidance: Look everyone, I’m Clinton, I didn’t inhale. Ok, shit. I did.
Booster: Who are you calling an anus??? I know you aren’t calling me an anus. I know you aren’t. No black man has ever been called an anus.
Guidance: Does anyone have a match?
MD: Guidance, why do you need a match?
Surgeon: What happened to the Jell-O?
Booster: The WHITE swans probably ate all of it. Fricken white swans. Don’t even share the Jell-O with the brothers. The white man doesn’t share his power…the swans don’t share the Jell-O.
MD: Enough Booster!
ECOM: Wow, it just went from saying that there was hydrogen to helium.
Surgeon: We are members of the lollypop guild, the lollypop guild.
Retro: HAHAHAHAHA, Pete, you’re a riot!
Shuttle crew: Great, the lollypop guild is here. Maybe they can give us a push. We’re probably light enough.
ECOM: The sensor is now saying that we have a small circus in the tank now.
MD: A what?
ECOM: A circus. Looks like 2 elephants, 9 clowns, 3 swans…
Booster: I bet the elephants are white too…
Retro: The circus is having a white elephant sale?
Shuttle Crew: How do they get those things home anyway?
ECOM: …3 dogs, a couple of trapeze artists. Lions, tigers and bears…
Surgeon: Oh my
Booster: I bet the conductor is white too. I bet the only black person they have is cleaning up all of the animal shit. They probably didn’t even give him a proper shovel. He’s probably carrying one of those plastic toy spades you see white kids using on the beach.
MD: *giving the evil eye to Booster*
ECOM: …a lion tamer, a small orchestra…
Surgeon: Do they have a freak show? I love the guy who can shove himself into a match box. Shuttle Crew: That’s impossible.
Guidance: Dudes, I have seen it with my own eyes.
Retro: Guidance, I doubt you have ever seen anything without a black light and a bong.
MD: Enough ECOM. Flight control, I think I’m going to go ahead and recommend that we scrub this launch. It’s obvious that we have a problem.
Retro: What would bring you to that conclusion?
Flight control: MD, we agree with you. We recommend scrubbing and rescheduling the launch. MD: Roger that FC. Shuttle crew, we’re going to scrub this launch. We need to check out the fuel sensor.
Shuttle crew: Aw man. This blows. You suck.

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